I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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