I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
