You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
