i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
