Dude my mom stole all your condoms
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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