Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
