don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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