Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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