So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
