Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
