guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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