All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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