Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
