I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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