Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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