he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
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He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
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She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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