She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
