He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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