tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
