you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
