You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
