who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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