dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
