I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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