I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
