The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
