Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
