Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
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no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
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sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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