The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
