If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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