Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
