May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
