Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
