i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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