Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
His hands were made for my vagina.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
