what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Randomize
