how can u be prego again
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
