ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
