I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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