I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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