if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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