So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
