i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
