When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
