His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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