Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
