this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
