i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
