i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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