I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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