I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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