If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
