She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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