Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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