I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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