You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
