I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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