Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
