I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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